PHILLY
EVENTS
Hemera
{Ed. Note: In 2010, Em declared her first ever list of marriage resolutions. They’re here. Last year, she re-presented those 2010 resolutions to J., that he might grade her on how she did. His verdict on her wifely success is here. This year, I requested she write these resolutions without revisiting the ones she’s written before. Notice any repeats?}
- I will cook more. I will learn how to use the oven.
- I will watch less Bravo TV.
- I will try really, really hard to stay awake during long car rides.
- I will not read emails or play Solitaire while we are at a basketball game.
- I will wake up earlier(ish) on Saturday mornings so that J. and I can spend time together.
- I will not hit snooze for two hours before actually turning my alarm clock off.
- I will stop telling J. to buy things at the grocery store that I know I won’t eat.*
- I will stop wearing uncomfortable shoes complaining about the uncomfortable shoes that I wear.
- I will stop going out for lunch when I have a Lean Cuisine in the fridge (See #7.
- I will stop shopping.**
- I will stop lying about shopping.
- I will kiss J. more.
- I will stop being a backseat driver. Unless I really do know where we’re going.
- I will work on being on time.***
- I will finish taking all the bikram yoga classes I signed up for last spring.
- I will stop eating gluten because I think I may be allergic to it.****
- I will drink more water and, when J. confronts me about not drinking enough water, I will not dump it into our planters behind his back.
- I will stop publicly forcing J. to hold the itsy-bitsy babies of our friends because I know this makes him uncomfortable. And I know he will hold them like a droopy sack of potatoes.
- I will take the early train home more often.
- I will stop lying about turning up the heat. (J., I know it’s, like, 82 degrees in our house right now. That was me, and not a finicky thermostat. Sorry.)
- I will work harder at keeping the plants I’m in charge of alive. [Note: J. waters the downstairs plants, and I’m in charge of the upstairs ones. Guess which are dying.]*****
- I will say ‘I love you’ more.******
*I will start eating things like kale.
**No, I won’t.
***When I do run late, I will not force J. to drive 147 miles an hour to make up for it.
****I will stop self-diagnosing.
*****I will buy new plants to replace the ones that I’ve killed fake plants.
******Hey, J., I love you.
Do you and your groom make marriage resolutions at the beginning of every new year, as well as general life ones?
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Good luck with those resolutions! I wonder what J.’s resolutions are???
There is so much material here, I almost don’t know where to begin. 22 resolutions is a little bit of overkill; it’s as if you’re just looking to pad your grades from J.
First off, the microwave counts as an oven. If you just nuke the Lean Cuisines you can cross off 1, 7 and 9. This should be 1 resolution.
#2 isn’t going to happen, who are you kidding? Just get J his own TV and you can watch the Real Housewives of Southeastern North Dakota until you can’t take it anymore. He won’t mind, honest.
#3 and 13 are a matched pair. If you’re asleep, you can’t backseat drive. If you’re backseat driving, you can’t be asleep.
#4 is truly bunk–if you’re at a basketball game, the odds are good that Ashley and Joey are there too; no solitaire will be played because you’re too busy with them.
#5 doesn’t count either. You only have to get up before 3:30–that’s not really a stretch.
#8, 10, and 11 all go together and who are you really kidding? You’re the style editor, great looking, uncomfortable shoes are in your wheelhouse. This shouldn’t be a resolution because giving this up is a poor career move. Plus, the people who notice such things appreciate them.
#12 and 22 go together and should be one item. You’re padding again and this could really go in a more adult direction.
#16 is not realistic. Do you know how many things have gluten in them? Do you realize how this will cripple your social schedule. (Sorry, can’t go to dinner, there’s nothing for me to eat. Booooo.)
#18 is also bunk. Tell your husband to suck it up and deal with holding an infant. He will be better off for it.
#20 should be tweaked. You’re going to turn up the heat because a cold house is just uncomfortable. How about just keeping it below 73?
So, if you’re looking to get graded, I’d suggest the following list
-I will nuke my lean cuisines more often
-I will let J have his own TV
-I will not hit snooze for two hours
-I will be a more attentive wife so that my husband feels desired and loved
-I will work on being on time
-I will finish taking my yoga classes (unless it means taking an earlier train.)
-I will drink more water
-I will not kill plants
-I will keep the heat below 73
-I will not be a pain in the ass in the car
Ten total resolutions for a maximum score of 100. Hopefully, J grades on a curve.