Every Tuesday, local drag sensation and G Philly assistant Tammy Faymous recaps the latest episode of RuPaul’s Drag Race.
I’m in hibernating mode, so last night I cuddled up on my friend Lauren’s couch in my comfy house pants with Insomnia Cookies, a pint of Breyers, Bulleit Whiskey on the rocks and Drag Race on the tele.
Before a challenge could even begin, a new clique formed in the group. ROLASKATOX — comprised of Roxxxy, Alaska and Detox — could possibly be this season’s Heathers. While I think all bitches from both groups are sickening, I don’t respect or understand the need for talented queens to break off into these contrived cliques. It’s immature high-school bullshit and it’s just meant to make others feel inferior. All three of them can stand on their own. Did Lindsay Lohan’s plight in Mean Girls teach us nothing? Bad move Alaska. I hope Sharon made you sleep on the couch for this one.
Mini-Challenge Recap: Ru reminded us about the importance of lip-synching in the competition. Right after, the Pit Crew delivered a series of giant RuPaul faces with holes for the mouth. I was hoping the challenge would be some sort of glory-hole competition where you had to match the queen with her pecker and bedazzled pubic hair, but no. Using just lips, the dolls had to lip-sync to a RuPaul song, which, we were reminded for the 1,056th time, is available on iTunes. After putting on sets of crazy cock-sucking lips, the girls were divided into three groups. Serena won for “Tranny Chaser,” Detox for “Lady Boy” and Ivy Winters for “Peanut Butter.” Ivy Winters is the cutest lady boy out of drag. If that makes me a clown chaser, I am guilty as charged.
Challenge Recap: Since they won, Detox, Serena and Ivy were designated team captains. Afterward, each team was assigned scenes from previous Untucked episodes that they had to reenact and lip-sync. Here’s how it went:
TEAM 1: Detox as Sharon Needles, Alaska as Phi Phi O’Hara, Coco as Lashauwn Beyond and Monica as Jiggly Caliente
Instead of playing her boyfriend, Alaska opted to portray adversary Phi Phi O’Hara with gallons of orange bronzer and glued-shut eyes. She did a great job, even though it was obvious she didn’t know all the words to Phi Phi’s rant. Alaska also responded to the subject of the rant with,”I will say I really wanted a cruise but I wanted the $100,000 more, and look, we got both!” Team Detox was probably brought down by Monica Beverly Hillz, who seemed extremely distracted the entire episode. What is ailing her so? We learn later. I give Team Detox 4 fuck-me pumps out of 5.
TEAM 2: Serena ChaCha as Raja, Jade as Delta Werk, Roxxxy as Mariah, Alyssa as Shangela and Jinkx as Mimi Imfurst
During rehearsals, it looked like Team Serena was going to be brought down by their team captain, who didn’t know any of her lines. Even when she finally learned them, her performance as Raja was pitch-poor. It reminded me of a confused Kristen Dunst in Marie Antoinette. Raja responded via her video blog, “Serena Cha Cha? I don’t know how I feel about that performance. She kind of made me seem like a dusty, old ghost and maybe I am!” Jinkx did a great Mimi Imfurst, who responded via her Twitter, “Jynxk gets 20 points for make-up accuracy!” Jade Jolie was pissed off at first for being forced to portray Delta, but she ended up doing an awesome job. All in all, Team Serena gets 3-and-a-half fuck-me pumps out of 5.
TEAM 3: Ivy Winters as Morgan McMichaels, Honey as Mystique, Lineysha as Tyra Sanchez and Vivienne as Tatianna
At first, Lineysha was a mess. She did nothing when RuPaul asked to see them rehearse. But when all the girls pretty much stuck to the book and did extremely convincing imitiations of their respective queens, it was Lineysha who impersonated Tyra Sanchez to the T. Tyra responded via her Twitter, “Lol at @lineyshasparx looks like she’s could be my younger sister! Amazing!” While they could have been a bit more creative, I give Team Ivy 4-and-a-half fuck-me pumps for this challenge. They ended up winning, which earned Lineysha immunity for next week.
Runway yes’s: I love black, so most of my favorites came from Team Detox. Detox saved the best for last with a goth-glam gown. Alaska was serving us Amy Winehouse realness, which is the way to my heart. And Monica seriously reminded me of Rihanna in a video for “S&M.” I loved all three of them. Lineysha served us lots of color. She looked fabulous in her Miss-Puerto-Rico-swimsuit finest.
Runway oh-honey-no’s: I didn’t understand what the black ball of fur at the end of Alyssa Edward’s bulimic-Liza-Minelli look was. Serena almost scored until she turned around and showed her granny panties. Even Blanche Devereaux wouldn’t be caught dead eating her midnight cheesecake in those. I have been compared to Chewbacca hundreds of time in the drag world, so I don’t think it was fair to compare Roxxxy to him. Thank the gods that Ivy was on stilts, ’cause the color palette of that ensemble was no-no neon.
The guest judges for this were Juliette Lewis and Kristen Johnson. Juliette Lewis, I thought, was spot on, but I was waiting for cheeseburgers to pour oout of Kristen Johnson’s mouth. She looked like I do when inebriated at the end of a Thursday night at Sister’s eating buffalo chicken pizza at Homo Hut: tragic and belligerent.
Lip-sync-off: The lip-sync challenge was between Serena ChaCha (pictured, above right) and Monica Beverly Hillz, who revealed on the runway that she is a transgender woman. Holding on to this may have hindered her previous performances, but not during lip sync. I think she was lucky it was Rihanna, ’cause she blew Serena out of the water. So happy this beautiful bitty got a second chance at the crown now that she has that off her shoulder. However, I am not sure she will be around much longer.
Best sound byte: Ivy Winter’s description of ROLASTATOX: “Sounds like a venereal disease.”
My pick for Top 3 (which can change from week to week): I know Roxxxy and Alaska will go far, but I am sticking with these three: Detox, Lineysha Sparx and Vivienne.