Today’s Daily Examiner quip comes from formerly lovable consumer curmudgeon Herb Denenberg, who has apparently gotten ripped off at one too many falafel stands lately:

With homicidal maniacs numbering perhaps in the millions all intent on murdering Americans and others in the free world, we can’t tolerate a major political party invested in our defeat; we can’t tolerate a treasonous, anti-American mainstream media; and we can’t tolerate elite universities that have become headquarters for anti-Americanism and indoctrination of students into the ways of anti-Americanism.

Two Readers Disagree On Describing Democratic Party [The Bulletin]

O.J.’s Philly-based lawyer confesses

Steve Vai ruminates about guitars and other things

The Eagles wrapped themselves in the flag of Sweden and won

Phillies fans rejoice

Foie gras revolt

Phillies fans get high in the parking lot

SugarHouse getting annoyed with protests

Restaurant Week reality check

Who would’ve thought that scoring a Phillies ticket for this weekend would have become more difficult than getting a seat at Van Halen’s two-night stand at the Wachovia Center next week? This is a strange and wonderful city, my friends, and here are some ways to enjoy it.

Oh, what I wouldn’t give to see that Bono wanker get his ass kicked: If you, like most people, have become disenchanted with the world of professional boxing, the antidote can be found on Saturday night at the New Alhambra, when hungry amateurs go toe to toe in the Muay Thai Kickboxing Showdown. It’s bloody and ruthless, and apparently a pretty good place to pick up single women, assuming you’re into gals that like to watch people beat the crap out of each other. In other bloodsport news, the Colonial in Phoenixville shows Raging Bull on Sunday. On film no less.

Spend money on weirdly attractive women: Tickets go on sale at 10 a.m. Saturday for two women I love. First, the foul-mouthed and well-schnozzed Sarah Silverman, who pretty much sucked as hostess of the MTV Video Music Awards but still rocks my world. But the show that you can’t miss — and the show that I am going to miss because I have to go to a friggin’ wedding on November 10th — is the incomparable Annie Lennox at the 1,900-seat Merriam. (And if you have enough money to do all that, you can certainly afford to buy your favorite person at Philadelphia magazine a ticket to that Van Halen show next week. This blogging really doesn’t pay the bills.)

If the last book you read was not the Da Vinci Code: The National Book Festival, whatever that is, is going on in D.C. this weekend, though we’ve got plenty of our own book stuff going on to keep you bibliophiles occupied. The two events you’ll find me at: the $1 per pound book sale at Robin’s Bookstore and the Banned Books Reading at the Free Library in honor of National Banned Books Week (who knew?).

Total sensory overload: So the Franklin Institute is selling $25 tickets to the pretty lame Tutankhamun exhibit, which — finally — ends this weekend. It includes the Mummies IMAX movie. But I’d much rather spend $14 and see Transformers in IMAX. A friend of mine just saw it and said he started having acid flashbacks.

Bad table manners: I’m really not much of an art gallery guy, but photographs of random Philadelphians stuffing their face with food and taken without permission I like.

If you have any suggestions for the Weekender, please e-mail them to me. And don’t forget my Van Halen tickets!

Word on the street is that Tony Luke, the reigning Sandwich King of Philadelphia, is anxiously awaiting a phone call from NBC telling him whether he made it onto the next season of The Biggest Loser, the reality show in which the morbidly obese transform themselves into relative pictures of health.

The 350-pound Luke, who auditioned with his son Michael, is said to have made it through multiple cuts, the final of which is apparently scheduled to happen at any time. If he does make it on, he’ll be whisked to an undisclosed location on October 5th, only to return to the Philadelphia area next February. “It’s a strict quarantine,” says one source, who adds that Luke (who would not confirm the rumor on the record) will not be allowed access to phones or e-mail. All of which makes us wonder how Luke’s absence might affect his growing sandwich empire — though it’s likely that Luke sees the show as a way to boost not just his health and self-esteem but also his fledgling acting career. — Victor Fiorillo

As long as Michael Nutter’s nemesis Carol Ann CampbellPhiladelphia Tribune that Nutter’s support in the African-American community was soft because he “caters to Caucasians.” Campbell’s remarks were obviously candid, and ones she probably thought appropriate because she was speaking informally to the editorial board of the city’s only African-American newspaper. But, as newspapers are wont to do, they published them. Today the Daily News pokes fun at her comment, urging the Nutter campaign to embrace the perceived dis.

Even though Campbell is not known for her sophistication and tact, could she possibly be speaking the truth? One insider pointed out to the Examiner that, yes, Nutter events are notoriously stocked with pale-faced suits, but he’s still a long way from Uncle Tomville. In fact, even though the DN said “some people” were upset by the comments, it hasn’t made too much of a splash online, and the insider said that most politicos have shrugged it off as typical Carol Campbell.

In the future, however, perhaps the best way for Nutter to blacken up his image is to ditch the portly white guy he’s always hanging around. That could help.

Nutter: Catering to whites? Food for thought [Daily News]
Campbell: Nutter lacks support [Philadelphia Tribune]

In case this city had forgotten what it feels like to have baseball joy, this Phillies have single-handedly revived it. Injuries, combustible pitching staffs, untimely slumps be damned — every game has meaning and, for once, it actually appears the Phils are in control of their own destiny. Better, this is a team finally infused with the one ingredient that’s been missing from the also-rans of previous years: character.

Last night the team staved off headaches and heartbreak again, beating the Braves 6-4 in front of a frenzied, towel-whipping crowd that’s willing this team to keep on winning while also keeping one eye on the scoreboard to make sure the Bastard Mets continue to ungracefully fall. They did. Now both teams sit atop the National League East with three games to play.

The Mets season means nothing anymore — the Phillies snared momentum, share the top spot, and are (finally) the team to beat that Jimmy Rollins claimed they were. Crazy.

The National League games this weekend have all the drama and urgency of the NCAA Tournament, with so many teams teetering on playoff execution with one loss. If you’d forgotten how great baseball is, come on back. The next three days could change your life.

Onto the Nationals.
Phillies Win! Mets Lose! Division all tied up [Beerleaguer]
Your National League East Leading Phillies [The700Level]

PHOTO: Daily News

BONO NATION: U2 singer receives Liberty Medal in front of hordes of sycophants

PENNANT PILEUP: The Phils do their part to stress out Turner Sports execs

TRAGEDY: Paralyzed son of consumer advocate Lance Haver must make life-or-death decision

TEENAGE WASTELAND CLEANUP: Haverford curfew “working wonders”

(more…)

Today’s Daily Examiner quip comes from blog Seat 1A’s author Alan Nelson, who elegantly conveys how most Philadelphians are feeling when it comes to the Phillies’ playoff hopes:

We minted unfulfilled expectations in this town. One game back with four to play? Perfect. We’re right where we like to be — on the cusp of greatness, ready to settle back into the comfortable armchair of could-have-beens.
 
Me, I’ve been here before. I refuse to believe.

I refuse to believe [Seat 1A]

Cheaters never soar at St. Joe’s: Hawk reporter exposes and half-heartedly blasts the “cheating” culture that’s pervasive throughout campus: plagiarism, crib sheets under skirts, tattooed algorithms on people’s forearms — everything. All of this, he says, is wrong, wrong, wrong. Just like a good Jesuit boy should. [The Hawk]

Stay in Philly or be shunned : The message Campus Philly is spreading this weekend is to encourage young, talented people (most of whom graduate from Penn, apparently) to stay in the city. To hammer home this point, the CP crew has recruited hip-hopper Talib Kweli to perform for those who attend the kickoff event. Perhaps he’s encouraging a career in hip-hop. [Daily Pennsylvanian]

Wildcat wetness: The sprinkler system went off in Alumni Hall and nobody knows how it happened. Illegal smoking? Faulty sprinkler wiring? Rogue human torch? Or, as one RA surmised, “ball hitting the sprinkler”? It’s a mystery. But it’s good to know that the Villanova dorm sprinkler system apparently churns out 800 gallons of water per minute. [Villanovan]

Befriend your professor, even if it makes you uncomfortable: So says chemistry professor John Williams, who has been at Temple for 38 years. Obviously, he’s unaware of how inviting a professor out for coffee (as he suggests) could potentially be misinterpreted. Old dudes. So funny. [The Temple News]

You may not know the name Steve Vai. But unless you think that heavy metal is just the stuff you don’t want in your drinking water, you’ve undoubtedly heard his screamingly fast guitar work, since he’s played with the likes of Ozzy Osbourne, David Lee Roth, Frank Zappa, and Whitesnake. Since leaving that world of overindulgence in the ’80s, Vai has maintained a successful solo career with more than a dozen albums; he appears tonight at the Keswick and on Saturday at the Borgata. I caught up with this six-string soldier before sound check. — Victor Fiorillo

Every teenage boy wants to pick up the guitar and play it. Why?
It’s not just teenage boys. It’s all boys, adults too. It’s a very expressive instrument, more so than others. You can play it loud and extremely aggressive — it can be more aggressive than any other instrument, but it can also be more tender. It’s very sexy.

Do you have some ridiculous number of guitars?
No, I don’t collect. I used to collect hot sauce, which is a really cool hobby. They come in very colorful bottles, and I can get it anywhere in the world. But I think that I’ve satiated my bottle desire.

There’s a certain image that goes along with rock and roll, an image that you clearly projected when you were onstage with Whitesnake, but I hear you’re actually a pretty humble, down-to-earth guy.
Back in the ’80s, being a rock star was very chic. The clothes you wore and the way you acted and the stage performance and persona was what we did back then. I embraced that. It was fun, really great. I like experimenting with fashion. All my clothes are custom-made, and I change like three times in the show. It’s part of the performance. I don’t pine for the days of yore when rock stars were rock stars. And I don’t consider myself a rock star. I am a thoroughly trained musical person that creates compositions with the instrument.

You have a very impressive worldwide following, but some of the musicians you used to work with play bigger houses, have bigger names. Does it make you jealous?
When I left those rock bands and decided to make the music I wanted to make, I thought I would have no audience at all. And the fact that I can travel the world and find an audience in virtually any place I go, including communist China, that’s an extraordinary privilege. I’m a guy with virtually zero radio airplay, never in Rolling Stone, don’t have MTV, VH1 or any television, and yet I can play all over after 27 years. I look at that and say “Man, you better be grateful, Vai.”

I heard that you’re a beekeeper, and we’ve been hearing a lot about this shortage of honeybees. What’s with that?
About a year ago I had to move my hives to an orange grove in Valencia because I was doing a remodel of the house. After we finish our garage, I’ll get a bunch of colonies back. But it’s all very concerning. Honeybees are responsible for so much of the food we eat. It’s very mysterious the way they just vanished. They didn’t die. They vanished. I have my theories.

Have you been stung a lot?
No, honeybees are pretty mild. Now, yellowjackets grew up in a rough neighborhood — you’ve got to watch them. Each hive is different. The temperament of each hive is based on the queen. I’ve had some very aggressive hives that kicked the shit out of me, but I get Italian queens now, and they’re bred for mild nature and productivity. I can go to my Italian hive and it will be gigantic — they make tons of honey.

I’ve never been stung, so I’m deathly afraid.
If you can avoid it, you’re probably better off.

Are you going to see your former bandmate David Lee Roth perform with Van Halen?
I’d like to if I can get tickets. It’s a hard ticket to get.

I think you know the right people who can help you out.
No, I don’t want to ask anybody for tickets. But I’ll probably go. I’m a fan of Edward’s [Eddie Van Halen]. He’s an historical legendary guitar player who changed the face of rock guitar playing, and I can count on one crippled hand the amount of people who have done that. And I am not one of them.