Today’s Daily Examiner end quote comes courtesy of freshly ex-employee A.J. Daulerio, a.k.a. “Balls,” on his new home site, Deadspin. We’re glad A.J. has found the perfect podium to discuss things like Andy Reid’s domestic problems and Brett Myers’s spousal abuse with a national audience, but it seems he still has a few issues of his own to work out:

What this role will actually entail has yet to be determined. We’re hoping to have something hammered out over the next couple weeks so we don’t confuse you, have duplicate posting or inundate you with nonsensical, image-oriented items of me reading porn mid-defecation.

Gotta wonder who got suckered into taking that photo.

Let’s Ride the Bus Together [Deadspin]

In honor of Opening Day — the Phils are just getting started against the Nationals as I type — we offer Matthew Teague’s surprising profile of Phillies manager Charlie Manuel. For three years, the media and fans have hammered Manuel for being a bumbling, stumbling idiot. Funny — his players think he’s brilliant.

Sunrise was still an hour away, so Charlie Manuel flipped on a series of humming lights. A world of wire and net sprang into existence.

“Awright, awright,” he said in his Appalachian accent. “You, um, you ready for this? Yeah. Awright. Are you sure?”

Yes, I’m ready for this, I thought. I’ve known how to do this since I was three.

Manuel dragged a bucket of balls to the middle of the batting cage, an insultingly short distance from the plate. Beyond the cage lay nothing but silence and blackness; we might as well have stood in outer space. “I’m just gonna throw you a few real soft ones, at first,” he said.

For heaven’s sake. I’m an American.

“Awright,” he said. “Here it comes.” He dipped his hand into the bucket and began the pitch, and I was immediately distracted by two elements of his windup.

First, he was doing it underhand. When a major-league baseball manager offers you a hitting lesson and then proceeds in a style familiar to little girls everywhere, it’s a clear sign of low expectation. Second, his face drew into a rictus of expression, lips pulled up and away from his teeth. He was smiling. Such joy is an almost unrecognizable feature on a big-league manager.

Read the rest of Matthew Teague’s “Inside the Mind of a … Genuis?”

PHOTO: Bob Croslin, from the April 2008 issue of Philadelphia magazine

Smokin’-hot car deals in Jersey?: Police suspect arson after three car dealerships in South Jersey were torched. A Berlin Chevy dealership is claiming about $100,000 in damages. Whether the three fires are related remains unclear, but you can now get the car of your dreams for no money down — as long as you wanted black. [KYW]

Hit-and-run driver finds convenient parking — at prison: Investigators think they might have found the SUV involved in the hit-and-run that killed a 15-year-old girl on Friday. The car — with suspicious front-end damage — was parked at Curran-Fromhold Correctional Facility on State Road near Rhawn Street. [Daily News]

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TASTE DAILY: Water ice beats out Pinkberry

GOOD LIFE DAILY: A balm that soothes all skin

WEDDING: View our slideshow to see how local brides are using this season’s hottest hue

Oh, look, it’s Opening Day: Michael Nutter will warm up the mound for Brett Myers as the Phils inaugurate the season against the Nationals this afternoon at 3:05. There are 400 to 500 standing-room-only tickets going on sale at the Citizens Bank Park box office at 9 a.m. — better get on the stick if you’re planning on calling out “sick.” [Inquirer]

Last week’s SEPTA murder prompts arrival of the red-hatted cavalry: It’s pretty bad when the New York branch of the Guardian Angels feels like it can spare members to come down and help the locals patrol our subways. Expect to see increased attempts at threateningly peaceful conflict resolution on the El and the Broad Street Line between 1 p.m. and 5 p.m. [Daily News]

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Today, dear reader, is my final day at Philadelphia magazine. To commemorate this blessed occasion, here’s a look back at the five most popular stories this blog has generated, for better or for worse.

Not surprisingly, it’s a list dominated by sports and attractive females. Some forward-thinking online entrepreneur should really create a site that features both of these things. I’m sure it would succeed.

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Eagles’ 2008 squad still needs some help: That’s according to ESPN’s Matt Williamson. Guess where he thinks the team needs an upgrade? (Hint: not fullback.) [ESPN]

I. Am. Iron. Pig: Although the name sounds like it belongs to a Black Sabbath tribute band, the Phillies Triple-A minor-league club is actually developing a following. Its first game in Allentown’s new Coca Cola Park is sold out. [CBS 3]

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Last week, nosy NBC 10 reporter Lu Ann Cahn donned a skullcap and went undercover to enter the dark and nefarious world of a local rave called “God’s Basement,” exposing the not-so-shocking truth that some of its attendees are A) underage and B) “getting high.”

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TASTE DAILY: Is Philly’s fish safe to eat?

GOOD LIFE DAILY: A Main Line favorite goes global

HEALTH: Dinner at the gym? Your fitness center may soon offer gourmet meals