The One and Only Time Wilkes-Barre Is Better Than Philly

Analysts from the highly respected sociological survey department at Jim Beam have ranked the 25 boldest towns in America. They questioned male residents of 100 cities — because obviously women never, ever have bold personalities so why bother with them? — and Pennsylvania did not fare well. Philly came in dead last with Pittsburgh taking the 99th ranking, Harrisburg the 97th, and Wilkes-Barre coming in at 29th. Some notable findings about Philly:

• Not even half of Philly guys would be willing to go on a blind date
• Only 11 percent of Philly guys have piercings
• More guys are tattoo-less in Philadelphia (93 percent are) than in almost any city surveyed
• 68 percent of guys have never tried an extreme activity or sport such as skydiving or bungee jumping

What The Scoop has learned here: Because Wilkes-Barre dudes can’t find their own dates, like punching holes in their bodies and are willing to risk their lives for mere seconds of adrenaline rush, they’re better than Philly guys. That’s cool and all, but, well, y’all still have to live in Wilkes-Barre.