You may remember an article I wrote over the summer about child abuse, in which I wondered, When parents beat their kids in public … what can you do? In that piece, I detailed an experience I had at the PATCO station at 8th and Market, where I saw a mother berating and smacking around a young boy. While more than two dozen adults looked on silently or altogether ignored the problem, I intervened on the child’s behalf. Since then, the subject has been on my mind quite a bit, and yesterday, another Momzilla reared her ugly head.
I was riding the Route 10 SEPTA trolley home through West Philadelphia. The mom, who appeared to be in her early 20s, was sharing a two-seater with a stroller and two children. The boy was no more than four. The bundled-up girl still had baby fingers. Probably two years old, if that.
As they sat there, jammed in, the baby girl kept sliding down in the seat. So her mother screamed at her, “Knock it the fuck off!” This went on for about 15 minutes, with the mom alternating between verbally assaulting her child and sending text messages. Naturally, this didn’t solve the problem.
Eventually, mom’s voice took on a monstrous, guttural tone more reminiscent of a death metal vocalist than a young mother, and she started hitting the girl with what I would call “pops.” These became smacks. Finally, the son said something that I didn’t quite hear, and the enraged mother hit him—either in the side or arm—with a series of rapid-fire punches. I couldn’t tell how hard she was hitting him, but she was clearly out of control.
As the rest of the passengers sat there with their mouths shut, some looking at the abusive mother, some purposefully not, I finally spoke up. “If you hit that child one more time,” I told her loudly, “I will call the police and follow you home and make sure they arrest you.” Even as I said it, thoughts of my own safety, my own children, and that 2010 bus shooting that apparently came out of a similar scenario, raced through my head.
Mom sprang up out of her seat and spit in my face. Then she pushed one child and pulled the other, along with the folded-up stroller, toward the door. Apparently it just happened to be her stop. I’m not exactly sure of the words that were spewing forth from her contemptible mouth as she exited, except that they didn’t make much sense and that she ended with, “That’s the problem with all you fucking white people.”
Oh. Did I forget to mention that? She was black. Actually, every single person on the trolley (at least 20 passengers at this point) was black. Well, except me. And, in the incident at 8th and Market last year, it was pretty much the same situation. Is this some black thing that I just don’t understand? What was it that someone once said about it taking a village?
“That’s why no one else would even look at her,” the middle-aged man in front of me on the trolley said, as soon as the mother was safely on the street. “Because she was obviously fucked up.” Oh. Okay. So while a clearly “fucked up” mother sits there abusing two helpless children, the best thing to do is not get involved? I think I’m beginning to see the problem here.
This morning, I decided to contact the police. Not to file a report against the mother, since I don’t know her name or address, and I didn’t see any cameras on the trolley, but to ask them what they would advise the public to do in situations like this. The officer who picked up the phone in the public affairs office listened to my story and my questions. Then she paused. “Hmm. That’s a touchy situation,” she said before putting me on hold. “It’s really touchy.”
After a few minutes, Lieutenant Ray Evers took my call.
“It’s a delicate situation,” he began. “It’s a difficult subject to broach.”
Sure is.
“I don’t have any kids,” Evers said. “But I do know that everyone looks at family discipline in a different way. Some people are raised differently.”
Clearly.
Evers went on to explain that the legal perspective is murky. “There are lots of questions. Was a weapon or implement used? You can’t do that. Open hand or closed hand? Are there welts or things of that nature? There are questions like this to consider. And there’s a very fine line.”
In the end, Evers says that as a member of the public, it’s probably best to use the same test that the Supreme Court famously used for obscenity. “You may not know exactly how to define it,” he says. “But you know it when you see it. If it affects you enough, then say something. Just know that there could be a backlash.”
Once I got home last night and scrubbed my face with soap and water, I posted a note on Facebook about the incident. My Facebook friends told me to be careful. One suggested that I start wearing a bulletproof vest if I am going to continue the crusade. And another, who happens to be a community activist in my neighborhood, wrote, “So many people want to speak up and never do.”
I believe that’s true. I believe that many–even most–people do want to say something. So why don’t they?
The only sane argument is personal safety. We all saw the video of that 2010 bus shooting, and it was scary to be sure. But think about the safety of that young child. Think of that child’s future. And think about what mom is doing behind closed doors.
If you’re not going to stick up for the kid, who will?
EDITOR’S UPDATE: See what Victor Fiorillo learned after he wrote this post in “Be Kind to Child Abusers” here.
January 3rd, 2012 at 2:37 pm
January 3rd, 2012 at 3:20 pm
I realize the woman made a racially insensitive comment, but I actually don’t think this issue has very much to do with race in reality. This is more of a class/culture thing, perhaps one that’s somewhat unique to (or at least worse in) urban areas. A white, low-income mother living in Kensington is just as likely to physically assault one of her children in public.
As for the intervention, it’s unfortunate, but I think quite a few of us have witnessed something like this in public. Regardless of our skin color, I don’t think the average person is inclined to get involved, even if we ought to. I know I’ve felt the urge.
Picking a fight with an already belligerent stranger is just not something most people are apt to do. It has nothing to do with being black or white. In other words, no, this is not “some black thing” that you don’t understand.
January 3rd, 2012 at 3:36 pm
January 3rd, 2012 at 5:51 pm
The reason your approach generally isn’t favored is obvious from the results both times you’ve tried it. You made yourself feel better and got two self-righteous columns out of it, but the children are no better off. What do you think happened as soon as this mother was out of your sight? Do you think she calmed down, thought it over and decided: “Gee, that white guy was right. If only I’d gotten his name so I could have thanked him”?
If you really wanted to help the children, you could have tried kindness. You could have expressed some sympathy for a mother trying to cope with her small children (whether you meant it or not) and offered to hold the little girl, who kept sliding off her mother’s lap, until she got to her stop, or you got to yours.
What would you have to lose? At worst, mom still have spat in your face and called you names. At which point you could have done what you really wanted and threatened her. At best, she would have calmed down and her children would have been better off.
And unless you can cite studies showing that a trolley full of white people of the same income level would have responded differently, then your column was racist as well.
As for calling the cops, or, say DHS, sometimes that really is the right move. But think long and hard first about the fate of children in the Philadelphia foster care system before deciding which option is likely to do more harm, and what to try first.
Richard Wexler
Executive Director
National Coalition for Child Protection Reform
http://www.nccpr.org
January 3rd, 2012 at 10:20 pm
I also do like Richard’s practical suggestions to help her with the kids. I think these types of approaches (sympathize with the mom, offer help with the kids, help her realize – in a non-threatenting way – how cute and helpless the kids are) are much more likely to end positively. I would like to see more people use these types of approaches and not just stand by and allow abuse to occur without intervening at all!
January 3rd, 2012 at 10:56 pm
January 4th, 2012 at 6:39 am
January 4th, 2012 at 9:32 am
January 4th, 2012 at 4:07 pm
I think your reaction to Victor’s reaction is out of line. Why is he smug? because he’s white and outraged by child abuse being openly ignored? Societal indifference to the abuse of defenseless people, be they children or elderly or disabled, is appalling and I applaud anyone with the guts to say something.
Maybe the reaction you espouse is fine for you and other professionals, but righteous anger is justified here. I cried when I read this article – and I felt angry at the mother, angry at the people who said nothing, and terrified by what this says about our society.
And Robert, using your method, if I see terrible racist behavior on the bus, should I try to sympathize with the bigot… make him feel better? Or should I call him out on it? Exactly why is child abuse less serious than racism?
January 4th, 2012 at 4:59 pm
If someone could demonstrate a way in which sympathizing with a bigot would make that person *less* of a bigot, then I would say yes, sympathize with the bigot. That is not the same thing as tolerating the bigotry.
Similarly, offering to help the mother in this case would not have been the same as condoning what she did. On the contrary, it would have been more likely to stop her from doing it.
Look at what Rachel was able to accomplish by taking an approach closer to the one I suggested (an idea which does not originate with me, but with many professionals in the field of child welfare).
I don’t think the issue is whether righteous anger is justified. The issue is: What is most likely to accomplish the goal we all share: reducing child abuse? And there is no justification for lines like “ Is this some black thing that I just don’t understand?” just because in the two situations Mr. Fiorillo happened to witness, the people who did not respond as he wanted them to were Black.
Richard Wexler
Executive Director
National Coalition for Child Protection Reform
http://www.nccpr.org
January 4th, 2012 at 5:17 pm
No one is making broad-brush statements about well-off white people, or foster parents, or group homes based on this – nor should they.
Richard Wexler
Executive Director
National Coalition for Child Protection Reform
http://www.nccpr.org
January 4th, 2012 at 9:00 pm
January 5th, 2012 at 12:29 pm
January 6th, 2012 at 9:28 am
January 17th, 2012 at 8:56 pm
January 27th, 2012 at 7:06 pm
January 31st, 2012 at 12:55 pm
The United States government which has and is controlled by white mostly males use methods known as “smart power”. A full range of tools at their disposal to include diplomatic, economic, military, political, legal, and cultural designed to persuade a people’s behavior into a desired result suitable to white America interest. Maybe what was seen being carried out through this mother is the results of that plan also? I appreciate your humanly concerns Victor but what appears on the surface is not the heart of the problem.
February 3rd, 2012 at 10:21 am
I’m not saying intervention should always be avoided, but there are times when you can pick up a vibe that suggests there is no point. I wouldnt consider myself BETTER than others who didn’t speak up, perhaps you were simply more self righteous and naive. It is a brave notion to think you can ride the trolley and save black souls on some sort of crusade for justice, but the reality is the lack of opportunities and despair in these areas has a long history and it isn’t going to change simply because one white guy decides to stand up and threaten to call the cops on poor mothers. That woman and what she did and said to you is a reflection of the economic and social conditions in poor urban areas. When you have people that are racially and economically cut off and they don’t have good schools, decent jobs or much else available to help them move up a class this is what you get. If you think you’re depressed or angry based on your little experience imagine how those who have been confronting these issues for decades feel.
February 7th, 2012 at 1:30 pm
February 7th, 2012 at 1:30 pm