6 Weird National Resolutions

Do you know what year it is? If you said 2012 or the Year of the Dragon, you’re correct, but not correct enough to receive full credit. Actually, 2012 is also the “Year of the Bible.” Yup, that’s a real thing because the Pennsylvania House of Representatives voted 193-0 to pass a resolution that made it so. What other resolutions were elected members of our government voting on when they could have been, you know, actually contributing to the good of society? Here’s a quick roundup of some national resolutions recently passed by the Senate, the House, or both.

H.RES.250: Free Comic Book Day
This resolution heralds “Free Comic Book Day.” It’s like that scene from the South Park episode in which Cartman and company go back in time to the signing of the Declaration of Independence. America was founded on the idea that you can have your cake and eat it too. And that every Thursday will be “Free Ice Cream Day.” And that the first Saturday in May will be “Free Comic Book Day.”
 

 
H.J.RES.64: Gospel Music Heritage Month
It seems everyone has a month. February is Black History Month.There is Hispanic History Month every fall. October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month. And then, finally, September 2011 was marked as “Gospel Music Heritage Month.” How we had gone this long without passing legislation honoring the creator of “Have a Little Talk With Jesus” is beyond me. But, at least now we can rest knowing they’ve been praised appropriately.

S.RES.165: Cowboy Day
You know who we don’t canonize enough? The American cowboy, that’s who. We don’t have enough film, literature, action figures, cartoons, Halloween costumes, or lunch boxes romanticizing the American cowboys as the multi-dimensional heroes they were. Let’s have a vote to determine how we all feel about the most revered icon in American culture. Happy Cowboy Day! This was probably just a ploy so that senators could spend the day quoting Clint Eastwood.

H.RES.284: Honoring Horses and Burros
This resolution honors horses and burros as important to our national heritage. The very fiber of American livelihood would be torn to shreds had the government not taken the time to recognize the valiant contributions of the burro community. We really don’t spend enough time and energy thanking the burros for their role in the development of our democracy.

H.RES.211: Ten Commandments Weekend
The first weekend in May hath henceforth been declared Ten Commandments Weekend to remind Americans of the role that they’ve had in “shaping the principles, institutions and national character of the United States.” That’s great and all, but the Phils are in Washington that weekend. So, unless Moses is going to come out and toss a complete game shutout or go 3-4 with three RBI the Ten Commandments aren’t going to get any of our extra attention. Also, that Saturday is officially “Free Comic Book Day.” So, apparently, comic book diehards and the Ten Commandments are expected to share a Saturday. That hardly seems fair.

S.RES.198: Honoring the Alaska Aces
This marks the government’s recognition of the Alaska Aces for winning the 2011 Kelly Cup for their second-ever championship in the East Coast Hockey League. So, from this we’ve learned that there’s an East Coast Hockey League and that someone in Congress actually pays attention to the results of its playoff tournament. Unless Russell Crowe suited up and the fans blew off the Rangers by reading the paper, I don’t think we’re interested.