There was a bit of a furor last year when Philadelphia introduced Take Control Philly, a website that teaches kids how to use condoms and even gives out a Philadelphia freedom condom. By “a bit of a furor,” I mean that the media did a bunch of scare stories on it–all of which used the phrase “as young as 11.” Fox News claimed the campaign “targets” preteens, bringing up images of the Phillie Phanatic riding around Philadelphia on his ATV, shooting his trusty condom gun.
Fortunately, the general public didn’t really care and our sexually active kids can still get free condoms. This is important! Philadelphia has ridiculously high STD rates, with Radio Times reporting last year that Philly has Chlamydia rates five times the national average among 10-to-14 year olds. Unfortunately, kids don’t like to use condoms because they’re stupid kids.
But the city is trying to help. In order to promote condom usage, Take Control Philly has introduced the most important election of 2012, your chance to vote for the color of Philadelphia’s new limited edition condom. “Don’t worry,” Take Control Philly notes. “The Freedom classic isn’t going away. This new Freedom will be a limited edition.” Yes, the city is attempting to market free condoms the way Nike markets sneakers. Damn, I’m excited.
Since my Sixers Mascot Voter’s Guide went so well–the Sixers still don’t have one–I’ve decided to take a long, hard look at the six selections Philadelphians can choose for their next condom. Well, their next condom for teenagers.
Colors: Midnight Green and White
Evokes: Philadelphia Eagles
You should vote for it if … you want your condom to fail in the final minutes of sex.
I put this first because I must stress: If you care at all about the problems of STDs and teenage pregnancy, do not under any circumstances vote for the Philadelphia Eagles condom. No way would I trust an Eagles-colored condom for protection. It would not put me in the best position to win. And what fun would it be? The Eagles condom would be like Donovan McNabb, causing guys to prematurely spew all over.
Colors: Red and White
Evokes: Philadelphia Phillies
You should vote for it if … you’ve been a fan since at least 2008.
Three years ago, this would be a no-brainer: The Phillies were coming off a World Series win–and what better way to celebrate by strapping on a Cole-dom. Even though the Phillies have struggled in the playoffs in recent years, I still think this is a decent candidate. Just think of this Phillies condom as the team’s pitching staff. If Take Control Philly really wanted to be current, though, they’d offer an orange and black condom. Ilya Bryzgalov is on a three-game shutout streak and one of his catchphrases is “humongous big.” You wouldn’t be able to stop kids from wearing condoms.
Colors: Purple and Gold
Evokes: The Fucking Los Angeles Lakers
You should vote for it if … you’re a terrible person.
Purple and gold? Okay, maybe James Madison grads don’t think of the Lakers first, but for everyone else this is a Kobe Bryant condom. What, they couldn’t do one in Dallas Cowboys colors?
Colors: Yellow and Blue
Evokes: The Flag of Philadelphia
You should vote for it if … you love Philadelphia and sex.
This is the one I voted for. Blue and yellow commemorate the original Swedish settlers in Philadelphia. Two years ago, The Reluctant Monarch King Gustav of Sweden held sexy parties and had an affair with the lead singer of a band called Army of Lovers. Per The Telegraph, Gustav “addressed the allegations during a press conference he traditionally holds at the end of his annual moose hunt.” How could you not vote for this one?
Colors: Cerulean and black
Evokes: The 1990s
You should vote for it if … you lost your virginity to “End of the Road.”
This condom reminds me of the 1990s, when every new design was extreme and some sort of black-and-blue combination. They really should have gone all out and slapped a teal Charlotte Hornets logo on it.
Colors: Light green and white
Evokes: Fairmount Park
You should vote for it if … you’re planning to have sex at Belmont Plateau.
This green-wrapped condom is for all the hot, illegal sex you’re having in one of Philadelphia’s many fine public parks. I’m a little disappointed none of these condoms are puns, though. Why didn’t they go with a brutalist design and call it the Louis Kahndom? That would teach our kids history and safe sex.