Dear Monica, My husband thinks that we don’t have sex often enough. What is considered to be a reasonable amount of intimacy for married couples? —J.M., Philadelphia
Consider yourself lucky that you are married to a man who is interested in heightening your sex life. This is very healthy and shows how much he loves you. Plenty of people are married to partners who have no interest, leaving the woman wondering if he is still attracted to her or if he is getting it elsewhere. Clearly your husband is focused on you and making your relationship strong. Open up lines of communication to discuss what he’s looking for in your sex life and how you can make things better as a couple.
Studies show that the average married couple has sex once a week. That may be shocking to those of you who are dating or newly weds. Yes, as one grows older the stresses of work, children, mortgage and car payments slip into the relationship, leading sex and libido to lessen. Married couples who report having sex four times a week are in the minority. They clearly have time on their hands—not to mention a lot of energy! The good news is that the majority of people are having sex and happy to be doing so, as the minority of couples are reported to be sexless.
If you are with someone who does not have a high sex drive there could be a physical or emotional reason. Stress plays a major part in one’s ability to let go. If your partner does not need meds or other treatments, exercise has been shown to be a good bonding experience for couples and also helps with sex drive. In all relationships you have to prioritize keeping the romance alive. Make time for date nights and try to plan weekend getaways once or twice a year. Celebrate birthdays, anniversaries and holidays in a loving and intimate way. Put sex on your to-do list as you would errands and social events.
Sex may not be the most important part of a relationship as time goes by, but it certainly plays a key role. Couples who are not connected in bed usually are lacking in other parts of their relationship as well. Basic communication, casual PDAs (like hand holding), and concern for both partners’ needs can have a direct correlation to a lack of intimacy.
If you have a strong relationship and the need and desire for an ongoing sex life, research shows that age does not seem to play a role all other things being equal. If you still want to give and receive physical enjoyment and you are with a partner who desires the same, a healthy sex life can be a life long passion. How often you have sex is not as important as the need to still make physical contact part of your relationship.
On the second anniversary of Ask Monica, I want to thank all of my readers for their questions, comments and loyal following.