The Reviews of Shake Shack Are the Worst Thing Ever

I don’t get Shake Shack. I don’t get Hop Sing Laundromat, either. Or The Industry. Or Federal Donuts, the most-hyped thing in Philadelphia history since the Declaration of Independence.

Every week there’s a new restaurant opening that is The Most Important Restaurant Opening of Our Time, and I’m never a part of it. Okay, so part of this is because I’m a picky eater. (I actually should get Shake Shack, since its major menu items make up like 40 percent of the foods I eat.) And, yes, I’m a professional cynic/asshole. I reap what I sow.

Hype fatigue is not new, and since I spend my entire life on the Internet for work I’ve seen it get worse and worse. But I think the hype surrounding restaurants seems to surpass it all. And the No. 1 place for restaurant hype is Yelp, the popular user-submitted review site. Yelp has done a successful job cultivating a community and a large group of dedicated reviewers. Unfortunately, a lot of their reviews make you want to gouge your eyes out.

So what’s a guy to do about it? It’s simple: Put on a scour, pour a fifth of whiskey and make fun of people who did nothing but review Philly’s new burger place. Yes, the Yelp reviews of Shake Shack contain some of the most unintentionally amazing writing. Let’s count down the top five worst (err, best).

5. CAPITALIZE for EMPHASIS

They top a juicy patty of meat with cheese, bacon, chopped cherry red peppers and shake sauce. What is shake sauce you ask? It is a special blended mayo – I don’t know whats in it BUT it’s GOOD!

Putting words in all caps for emphasis is fine. But you should always say it aloud before doing so. Now say “BUT it’s GOOD!” out loud. Do it right now. It’s almost impossible! If someone said “BUT it’s GOOD” to me in real life I would literally run away.

4. To Note: Everyone on Basketball Wives Is an Ex-Wife Now

I’m calling all you “ELITES” out! Come on isn’t YELP about HONESTY?! Yea I said it… you want to FIGHT me on the playground now?!

Don’t make me take out my pony tail, I will get “Basketball Wives” crazy on you!

I just want to emphasize how this review of the Shack Shack contains a Basketball Wives inside joke.

3. Yes, Some People Like It More Than Village Whiskey

When taking price into account, I daresay that this burger almost rivals that of Village Whiskey, which is good news for people who don’t want to wait three hours for a seat across the street.

Eh, okay, that’s fair. I mean, when taking price into account a 99-cent Wendy’s burger probably wins, but whatever. Oh, wait, here’s another!

Whiskey Village across the way and Capogiro may have to step up their game.

Whiskey Village sounds like a Celebration, Florida-style planned city designed by a drunk Walt Disney. I would move there.

2. He’s Trumped, However, By the Ace of Desserts

Sometimes it seems all I ever talk about is cupcakes. As Philly’s unofficial “King of Desserts,” …

I’ll be honest: I stopped reading there.

1. The Worst Thing Ever Written About Philadelphia

Philadelphia is totally the Joe Flacco of cities. We insist that we should be considered in the “elite” league, up there with New York and LA, but people scoff, have mixed opinions about this, and it’s hard to provide a truly solid case. But with this development of Shack Shack finally in our midst…we’re on our way.

Joe Flacco is a relatively mediocre quarterback for the Baltimore Ravens. Comparing him to Philadelphia is the one of the most insulting things anyone has ever said about this city. A more accurate comparison would be a quarterback who’s actually pretty great but doesn’t get the respect he deserves. So, Eli Manning! Hmm. Maybe we ought to avoid comparing Philadelphia to NFL quarterbacks, come to think of it.

Or maybe I’m just being mean, thinking with a pre-Shake Shack mentality. Maybe now that we have a Shake Shack we’re Tom Brady! Er, sorry.

That was pretty bad, but it’s not The Worst Thing Ever Written. That would go to this review of Barcade that ends with, “Philly, you will never be as cool as Brooklyn so stop trying.” When I’m mayor, I’m going to ban Julie J. from ever entering our city again.