In some ways, it’s easy to feel bad for Andy Reid. He’s had a terrible year on and off the field. The entire city is counting down the days until he turns in his clipboard. That can’t be good for his mental health. Poor Andy, I sometimes find myself thinking.
And then I remember that I am a Philadelphian and my default emotion is pissed off. And it’s no struggle to feel angry about this unfathomably terrible season. I don’t know much about football—everything I know I learned from pop culture—but television has led me to believe that what the Eagles really need is a coach who has overcome seemingly impossible odds and who can give a good pep talk (and/or think of dirty tricks to play on the opposing team). Here, 10 coaches who I think could get the Birds a win. Finally.
Coach Taylor, Friday Night Lights
This man is a master of motivational speeches. He’s done so many that Vulture mashed them all together into one, giant, super-amazing video of inspiration! One pep talk from the coach of the Dillon Panthers (or, um, Lions, depending on which season you’re watching) and the Eagles would surely be inspired to, ya know, win a game.
Rex Ryan, Hard Knocks
Sure, Rex Ryan is an actual football coach. But listen to this self-deprecating speech he gave while his team was being filmed for the HBO reality series. You will not want to screw up in front of this man. Or eat any fucking cheeseburgers. He’s having his own problems this year with the Jets, but at least if he came to Philadelphia, he wouldn’t be haunted by the ghost of Tim Tebow.
Tony D’Amato, Any Given Sunday
In the climax of the film, Al Pacino’s character talks about football, life, and team work. “Either we heal now, as a team, or we will die as individuals.” Eagles defense, listen up.
Kevin and Danny O’Shea, Little Giants
Sure, coaching children is probably more difficult than coaching professional athletes. But is it more difficult than coaching DeSean Jackson?
Jimmy McGinty, The Replacements
If Jimmy McGinty can motivate rejects and criminals to play the game well, surely he can do something with our boys in green.
Another real-life coach, Pagano, who heads up the Colts, became an internet sensation when he gave a moving locker-room speech earlier this year. Pagano is fighting leukemia and his moving words would surely get the Eagles’ asses in gear.
Coach Klein, The Waterboy
Henry Winkler’s character is one of the shining parts of this truly awful Adam Sandler flick. In addition to having an eye for recruitment—maybe the Eagles have a would-be star schlepping Gatorade!—Klein succeeded because of his complex trick plays. Unethical? Maybe. But at this point, the Eagles can use black magic if they think it’ll help.
Wally Rigg, Necessary Roughness
Maybe if Kathy Ireland—she’s still around, right?—showered in the Eagles locker room, something would change on the field.
Hayden Fox, Coach
This man turned Minnesota State into a powerhouse, and, let’s be real, he did it without the more helpful support staff, as evidenced by the clip below.