On Sunday night, music industry royalty congregated at the Staples Center in Los Angeles for the 55th Annual Grammy Awards. Here, my winners and losers from the night. For the real winners in each category, scroll down.
2013 Grammy Award Losers
Taylor Swift. An overproduced Alice In Wonderland-inspired stageshow (as seen above) paired mercilessly with Swift’s “ear worms most foul”, as one friend characterized Swift’s sound.
The producer who decided to switch into sepia tone during Justin Timberlake and Jay-Z’s performance. I’m assuming this is the same doofus who came up with the awful Carrie Underwood ball gown projection screen idea.
Philadelphia. A Roots loss is a loss for Philadelphia. Plus, the Temple University Orchestra (nominated twice) lost. And Diplo (who isn’t really a Philadelphian anymore, but still) lost.
Bruce Springsteen. I believe that’s what they call a shut-out, my friend.
Frank Ocean‘s performance boasted cool visuals but also showed why, sometimes, it’s better that “musicians” lip sync.
Why are you always — and I do mean always — chewing gum, Adele? What are you, like, sixteen?
LL Cool J. An affable host, but one who simply talked way too much. He referred to Taylor Swift as “T-Swizzle”. Way overdid it on the Twitter, using the word “hashtag” about as many times as Miranda Lambert must have asked her husband, “Do I look good in this dress?” Invoked phrases like “we hold these truths to be self-evident” and “we all dreamed the same dream” in reference to the Grammys. He reminded me of the time I ran for class president in 9th grade and got up and made a fifteen minute speech with quotes from eight different presidents, when all I had to do was get up and promise less homework and free pizza. I lost.
The obligatory People Who Died segment. Did more people die in 2012 or did they just lower the bar?
The speech givers. I can’t remember one speech. Can you?
Miranda Lambert’s dress, which I believe is what they call a “cooch-falling-out dress”, and not in a good way.
The period in FUN., driving copyeditors crazy all over the world.
Elton John. JUST. GO. AWAY. PLEASE. (And take your stupid matching sunglasses with you).
Johnny Depp, who looks like he needs to join Kai the Homeless Hitchhiker on the road.
Maroon 5 and Alicia Keys: Sometimes duets and mashups just don’t work. This was one of those times.
Rihanna’s boobs during the Bob Marley tribute. Can someone please explain?
Kelly Clarkson for going blond and for wearing shoes she doesn’t know how to walk in.
2013 Grammy Award Winners
Mumford & Sons live performance. Who knew that a folk band from England would give one of the most rousing Grammy performances? Righted the Taylor Swift wrong. Almost.
Justin Timberlake. Whether or not you like the man’s music, he puts on a damn fine show.
Prince. Hey, he’s Prince.
The Grammy voters for refusing to allow Bruce Springsteen or the girl who sings “Call Me Maybe” to take home an award.
The skin of co-presenters Beyonce and Ellen DeGeneres.
Kimbra’s ridiculous Grammy dress, which put all other ridiculous Grammy dresses to shame.
The Bob Marley tribute. These things frequently don’t work very well. But Sting, Rihanna, Bruno Mars, and various still-living Marleys pulled it off.
Katy Perry, because she took a shot at that Bon Iver guy.
The Black Keys, who beat out Bruce Springsteen for Best Rock Performance. And anyone who beats my hero Bruce Springsteen is a winner to me. (I hate Bruce Springsteen). They played well, too.
Kelly Clarkson, for having the guts to admit she has no idea who that guy Miguel is. And for pretty much killing “Natural Woman”. If only more (or any) American Idol alums had this much talent.
Rihanna, who actually gave a tasteful solo performance and looked stunning.
And in case you care who actually won Record of the Year and Rap Album of the Year, here are the winners in all of the major categories:
Mumford & Sons win Album Of The Year:
“El Camino” — The Black Keys
“Some Nights” — FUN.
“Babel” — Mumford & Sons
“Channel Orange” — Frank Ocean
“Blunderbuss” — Jack White
Gotye wins Record Of The Year:
“Lonely Boy” — The Black Keys
“Stronger (What Doesn’t Kill You)” — Kelly Clarkson
“We Are Young” — FUN. Featuring Janelle Monáe
“Somebody That I Used To Know” — Gotye Featuring Kimbra
“Thinkin Bout You” — Frank Ocean
“We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together” — Taylor Swift
FUN. wins Best New Artist:
Alabama Shakes
FUN.
Hunter Hayes
The Lumineers
Frank Ocean
FUN. wins Song Of The Year:
“The A Team” — Ed Sheeran, songwriter (Ed Sheeran)
“Adorn” — Miguel Pimentel, songwriter (Miguel)
“Call Me Maybe” — Tavish Crowe, Carly Rae Jepsen & Josh Ramsay, songwriters (Carly Rae Jepsen)
“Stronger (What Doesn’t Kill You)” — Jörgen Elofsson, David Gamson, Greg Kurstin & Ali Tamposi, songwriters (Kelly Clarkson)
“We Are Young” — Jack Antonoff, Jeff Bhasker, Andrew Dost & Nate Ruess, songwriters (FUN. Featuring Janelle Monáe)
Adele wins Best Pop Solo Performance:
“Set Fire To The Rain (Live)” — Adele
“Stronger (What Doesn’t Kill You)” — Kelly Clarkson
“Call Me Maybe” — Carly Rae Jepson
“Wide Awake” — Katy Perry
“Where Have You Been” — Rihanna
Kelly Clarkson wins Best Pop Vocal Album:
“Stronger” — Kelly Clarkson
“Ceremonials” — Florence & the Machine
“Some Nights” — Fun.
“Overexposed” — Maroon 5
“The Truth About Love” — Pink
Gotye wins Best Pop Duo/Group Performance:
“Shake It Out” — Florence & The Machine
“We Are Young” — FUN. Featuring Janelle Monáe
“Somebody That I Used To Know” — Gotye Featuring Kimbra
“Sexy And I Know It” — LMFAO
“Payphone” — Maroon 5 & Wiz Khalifa
The Black Keys win Best Rock Performance:
“Hold On” — Alabama Shakes
“Lonely Boy” — The Black Keys
“Charlie Brown” — Coldplay
“I Will Wait” — Mumford & Sons
“We Take Care Of Our Own” — Bruce Springsteen
Halestorm wins Best Hard Rock/Metal Performance:
“I’m Alive” — Anthrax
“Love Bites (So Do I)” — Halestorm
“Blood Brothers” — Iron Maiden
“Ghost Walking” — Lamb Of God
“No Reflection” — Marilyn Manson
“Whose Life (Is It Anyways?)” — Megadeth
The Black Keys win Best Rock Album:
“El Camino” — The Black Keys
“Mylo Xyloto” — Coldplay
“The 2nd Law” — Muse
“Wrecking Ball” — Bruce Springsteen
“Blunderbuss” — Jack White
The Black Keys win Best Rock Song:
“Freedom at 21″ — Jack White
“I Will Wait” — Mumford & Sons
“Lonely Boy” — The Black Keys
“Madness” — Muse
“We Take Care of Our Own” — Bruce Springsteen
Gotye wins Best Alternative Music Album:
“The Idler Wheel” — Fiona Apple
“Biophilia” — Björk
“Making Mirrors” — Gotye
“Hurry Up, We’re Dreaming” — M83
“Bad As Me” — Tom Waits
Skrillex wins Best Dance/Electronica Album:
“Wonderland” — Steve Aoki
“Don’t Think” — The Chemical Brothers
“> Album Title Goes Here <” — Deadmau5
“Fire & Ice” — Kaskade
“Bangarang” — Skrillex
Usher wins Best R&B Performance:
“Thank You” — Estelle
“Gonna Be Alright (F.T.B.)” — Robert Glasper Experiment Featuring Ledisi
“I Want You” — Luke James
“Adorn” — Miguel
“Climax” — Usher
Frank Ocean Wins for Best Urban Contemporary Album:
“Fortune” — Chris Brown
“Kaleidoscope Dream” — Miguel
“Channel Orange” — Frank Ocean
Robert Glasper Experiment wins Best R&B Album:
“Black Radio” — Robert Glasper Experiment
“Back To Love” — Anthony Hamilton
“Write Me Back” — R. Kelly
“Beautiful Surprise” — Tamia
“Open Invitation” — Tyrese
Miguel Wins Best R&B Song:
“Adorn” — Miguel
“Beautiful Surprise” — Tamia
“Heart Attack” — Trey Songz
“Pray for Me” — Anthony Hamilton
“Refill” — Elle Varner
Jay-Z and Kanye West win Best Rap/Sung Collaboration:
“Wild Ones” — Flo Rida Featuring Sia
“No Church In The Wild” — Jay–Z & Kanye West Featuring Frank Ocean & The–Dream
“Tonight (Best You Ever Had)” — John Legend Featuring Ludacris
“Cherry Wine” — Nas Featuring Amy Winehouse
“Talk That Talk” — Rihanna Feautring Jay–Z
Jay-Z and Kanye West win Best Rap Performance:
“HYFR (Hell Ya F***ing Right)” — Drake Featuring Lil Wayne
“N****s In Paris” — Jay–Z & Kanye West
“Daughters” — Nas
“Mercy” — Kanye West Featuring Big Sean, Pusha T & 2 Chainz
“I Do” — Young Jeezy Featuring Jay–Z & André 3000
Drake wins Best Rap Album:
“Take Care” — Drake
“Food & Liquor II: The Great American Rap Album, Pt. 1″ — Lupe Fiasco
“Life Is Good” — Nas
“Undun” — The Roots
“God Forgives, I Don’t” — Rick Ross
“Based On A T.R.U. Story” — 2 Chainz
Jay-Z and Kanye West win Best Rap Song:
“Daughers” — Nas
“Lotus Flower Bomb” — Wale featuring Miguel
“Mercy” — Kanye West Featuring Big Sean, Pusha T & 2 Chainz
“The Motto” — Drake Featuring Lil Wayne
“N****s in Paris” — Jay-Z & Kanye West
“Young, Wild & Free” — Snoop Dogg & Wiz Khalifa Featuring Bruno Mars
Juanes wins Best Latin Pop Album:
“Independiente” — Ricard Arjona
“Ilusion” — Fonseca
“Kany Garcia” — Kany Garcia
“Con Quien Se Queda El Perro?” — Jesse Y Joy
MTV Unplugged — Juanes
Carrie Underwood wins Best Country Solo Performance:
“Home” — Dierks Bentley
“Springsteen” — Eric Church
“Cost Of Livin’” — Ronnie Dunn
“Wanted” — Hunter Hayes
“Over” — Blake Shelton
“Blown Away” — Carrie Underwood
Little Big Town wins Best Country Duo Performance:
“Even if It Breaks Your Heart” — Eli Young Band
“Pontoon” — Little Big Town
“Safe & Sound” — Taylor Swift & the Civil Wars
“On the Outskirts of Town” — The Time Jumpers
“I Just Come Here for the Music” — Don Williams Featuring Alison Krauss
Zac Brown Band wins Best Country Album:
“Uncaged” — Zac Brown Band
“Hunter Hayes” — Hunter Hayes
“Living For A Song: A Tribute To Hank Cochran” — Jamey Johnson
“Four The Record” — Miranda Lambert
“The Time Jumpers” — The Time Jumpers
Bonnie Raitt wins Best Americana Album:
“The Carpenter” — The Avett Brothers
“From The Ground Up” — John Fullbright
“The Lumineers” — The Lumineers
“Babel” — Mumford & Sons
“Slipstream” — Bonnie Raitt
Dr. John wins Best Blues Album:
“33 1/3″ — Shemekia Copeland
“Locked Down” — Dr. John
“Let It Burn” — Ruthie Foster
“And Still I Rise” — Heritage Blues Orchestra
“Bring It On Home” — Joan Osborne
Janis Ian wins Best Spoken Word Album:
“American Grown” (Michelle Obama) — Scott Creswell & Dan Zitt, producers (Various Artists)
“Back To Work: Why We Need Smart Government For A Strong Economy” — Bill Clinton
“Drift: The Unmooring Of American Military Power” — Rachel Maddow
“Seriously…I’m Kidding” — Ellen DeGeneres
“Society’s Child: My Autobiography” — Janis Ian
Once: A New Musical wins Best Musical Theater Album:
Follies
The Gershwins’ Porgy and Bess
Newsies
Nice Work If You Can Get It
Once: A New Musical
Jimmy Fallon wins Best Comedy Album:
Blow Your Pants Off — Jimmy Fallon
Cho Dependent (Live In Concert) — Margaret Cho
In God We Rust — Lewis Black
Kathy Griffin: Seaman 1st Class — Kathy Griffin
Mr. Universe — Jim Gaffigan
Rize Of The Fenix — Tenacious D
For the complete list of nominees and winners, visit Grammy.com.
PHOTO: John Shearer/Invision/AP
