What Was the Worst TV Show This Season?

Plus which dramas and comedies stole our hearts.

With the announcements from television networks about their upcoming seasons, it is the official end to the 2011-2012 TV season. And thank the baby Jesus that it’s over. This TV season was one of the most underwhelming and frustrating seasons in years. Shows that were to be the next big thing (Terra Nova, Alcatraz) fizzled. Shows that were to redefine TV (Smash) ended up being been-there-done-that melodrama. Yes, there were a few bright spots (New Girl) and pleasant surprises (Suburgatory). But many shows felt like networks’ desperate attempts to fill time (¡Rob!, How to be a Gentleman). As we look back over the season, here are my picks for the winners and losers.

Dark Shadows Disappoints

Johnny Depp and Tim Burton’s latest effort is beautiful but confusing.

For a director and an actor to work together on several pictures is not uncommon. Woody Allen/Diane Keaton, Martin Scorsese/Robert DeNiro, Coen Brothers/Frances McDormand, and John Ford/John Wayne have all done it before. But the relationship between Tim Burton and Johnny Depp has always felt unique. Not because the stories are always original (in recent years, they’ve mostly been adaptations), but because of the artistry. In Burton’s cartoon-surrealistic worlds, Depp is a constant, willing, and able player. Razor-wielding barber? Sure. Boy with razor hands? Why the hell not? Depp dons powdery makeup and ungainly wigs with aplomb, creating memorable (if not all together successful) characters. And while Burton and Depp’s collaborative work—including seven live-actions and one animated feature—has achieved near perfection (Edward Scissorhands, Ed Wood), a few have simply been beautiful bores (Alice in Wonderland). Unfortunately, Dark Shadows is something new: a beautiful mess.

7 Things You Must Know Before Seeing The Avengers

If you haven’t seen the other Marvel movies, this tutorial is for you.

On face value, Marvel’s The Avengers seems like a typical superhero movie. It’s big. It’s got flashy special effects. It’s got fight scenes in a lab, a portal between dimensions, and a powerful object everyone is fighting to own. And by using the Hulk, Iron Man, Captain America, and Thor characters whose individual movies collectively made $1.2 billion at the box office it feels like a brand retread or an obvious studio stunt to make money. (Which it is and will. Probably not as much as the other movies combined, but possibly enough to break box office records.)

The Raven Is a Painful Reminder That John Cusack Is John Cusack

And he’s getting too old for his type.

Time has not been kind to John Cusack. This is not to say that his appearance has deteriorated, but rather to say that he’s aged out of type. In the ‘90s, he embodied the angsty, quick-witted, single boy-men of Grosse Pointe Blank and High Fidelity. (It never seemed like he was really acting.) But 12 years later, unlike the actor himself, Cusack’s acting remains unaged—inflexibly the same. Like in 2012 where he plays the quick-witted, single father during Earth’s destruction. Or in 1408, where he plays the quick-witted writer investigating a haunted hotel. He does not alter his voice, nor does he change his mannerisms or delivery. (As a friend so adroitly said to me the other day: “John Cusack can’t escape being John Cusack, no matter who he tries to play.”) In The Raven, Cusack portrays Edgar Allan Poe. Which is just Cusack with a goatee.

Smash Should Be the Anti-Glee

Instead of being smart and well-scripted, NBC’s Broadway drama is cloying and annoying. Here are seven things we’d like to see in season two.

When Smash first premiered on Feburary 6^th, I thought it was something special. The show impressed me with the  cast and dazzled me with original music (from Hairspray’s Marc Shaiman and Scott Wittman). The behind-the-scenes moments made me feel part of the process. The epic battle between Ivy and Karen—and actresses Megan Hilty (Broadway diva) and Katharine McPhee (Broadway newcomer)—divided friends (and nearly brought a few of us to yelling matches). I believed that a smart, consistent, scripted TV show with music had finally arrived. I thought Smash would be my anti-Glee. The Kander to my Ebb. The shoulder pads to my Bea Arthur.

Spoiler-Free Review of Cabin in the Woods

Joss Whedon lovers will love this horror flick.

In May 2009, co-writers Joss Whedon and Drew Goddard (Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Angel) completed production on Cabin in the Woods. Starring Fran Kranz (then costarring on Whedon’s not-good-enough series Dollhouse), Bradley Whitford (The West Wing), Richard Jenkins (The Visitor, Eat Pray Love), Chris Hemsworth (the not-yet megastar of Thor), and several Whedonites, it was to be a statement on the horror genre devolvement—namely, the latest “torture porn” craze. But when MGM filed for bankruptcy in 2010, its future was left uncertain. After negotiations—and a brief, and gratefully unsuccessful, discussion about converting into 3D—Cabin in the Woods can finally be seen in theaters. And fans of horror and/or Whedon will not be disappointed. Cabin is a smart, genuinely scary film that feels utterly original.

Awful Quotes From Fifty Shades of Grey

Plus other reasons why you should avoid this horrible, poorly written book.

Oddly enough, the first time I heard about Fifty Shades of Grey was in a tweet from Percy Jackson author Rick Riordan on March 3. Thinking it was some new young adult book, I investigated. The book, dabbling heavily in BDSM (bondage & discipline and sadism & masochism), by E. L. James was anything but. Deemed “mommy porn” by some and “anti-feminist” by others, it was obvious I wasn’t the target audience. But then I began to hear friends and co-workers—who aren’t usually Harlequinites—talking about it. The New York Times wrote about it. So when Entertainment Weekly featured it on its April 6^th cover, I had to know: why was this book getting so much attention? Many other novels had focused on similar proclivities, what was so special about this book that it would cross over into mainstream success and even become a New York Times bestseller? After reading it, I still am perplexed. Fifty Shades of Grey is truly one of the worst books I have ever read.

Don’t See Titanic in 3D

James Cameron and movie execs are seeing dollar signs from the film’s rerelease, but there’s no added value for moviegoers.

“But they spent almost $20 million on it.” This was a friend’s response to my pronouncement that I would not be seeing the 3D conversion of Titanic (in theaters today). It’s not that I have anything against Titanic itself. (Other than the ridiculous Billy Zane character chasing and shooting at Jack and Rose as the boat sinks, that is.) I saw the original a few times when it was released in 1997. I’ve been known to watch it when it is on TV. What I have a problem with is the latest craze that Titanic 3D represents of turning every “blockbuster” into a RealD, IMAX 3D extravaganza. Or, more specifically, spending millions of dollars to convert 2D films into 3D.

The 11 Worst Characters on the Best TV Shows

Who do you love to hate?

Last week I did a (very scientific) poll among my Facebook friends: “Who are the worst characters on the best TV shows?” The answers were varied: ranging from characters on sitcoms to reality shows, from family dramas to supernatural thrillers. Some were characters on shows I’ve never watched (Parenthood, Breaking Bad) and some were on shows no longer on the air (Alf). The one common theme? Women. Nine out of ten characters named were female—usually mothers. (Do viewers generally dislike mother characters? Or are these more underwritten, stereotypical parts?) So with those suggestions, here are my picks for the worst characters on TV’s best shows.