The Made in America Lineup Is Kind of Crappy

Still, can it hold up against other music festivals this summer?

The name is terrible. The lineup is underwhelming. And it's going to be the best. Tickets for the Budweiser Made in America music festival go on sale today at 10 a.m. Pearl Jam is headlining for rock fans and Jay-Z for hip-hop fans. That's a pretty decent top-two acts, but the bill's a little disappointingly thin from there: The No. 3 act billed right now is constant Internet punching bag Skrillex.

Center City’s Obstacles: A Sidewalk Guide

Charity muggers adapt! And other harrowing tales of life as a pedestrian.

Jonathan Papelbon had some kind words for Philadelphia the other day. "Philadelphia has a cool feel to it, man," the new Phillies closer told Sports Illustrated. "It makes you feel like you are in Paris. I've never been to Paris, but I've seen it in a lot of movies." He didn't stop there! "When I walk down the street, everyone is nice," he added. "They say hi, and then they let you do your business." Philly may be like Paris; I, too, have only seen it in movies. But I think Papelbon is missing something: Sometimes people on the street can be a little too nice. Yes, the chuggers have adapted.

No One Needs to Tell Philly the Phanatic’s the Best

Mr. Met may have a better Q-rating, but the Phillie Phanatic is No. 1 in our hearts.

"Won't you save us, Super Phanatic?" The Phillie Phanatic's birthday party had devolved into chaos. Although the stadium was in its second year, security hadn't worked out all the kinks yet: A supervillain named Opposition Man got past security and stormed onto the field during the festivities. He hacked into the stadium's video controls and put a Marlins logo on the screen. He used his water gun to turn everyone on the field into fans of the Marlins. (I'm not sure how this worked; magic, I guess.) Mercifully, he spared Dan Baker, who pleaded over the PA for Super Phanatic to save the day.

Penn Relays Is One of Philly’s Best Sporting Events

Prime people-watching, die-hard track fans and runner highs.

A sampling of things overheard at the Penn Relays yesterday from people in the stands:

 
• "Now this race depends on whether the headcase shows up."
 
• "There better be a suicide watch tonight in Philadelphia."
 
• "Aw, this race is rigged."
 

One of the charms of Penn Relays is the crowd: Full of track heads, anxious parents and thousands of Jamaicans. There are thousands of athletes in the crowd, too, and the fans in attendance are either track die-hards or competitors. And everyone has an opinion on every race. You can walk through the crowd or sit in the stands and overhear a thousand different opinions. For the record, no races were rigged.

Behind the Scenes of a Jeopardy! Audition

I played. I failed. Now share my pain.

I was sure I was going to be picked for the Grand Prize Game. The centerpiece of The Bozo Show was the Grand Prize Game, where contestants threw ping-pong balls into a line of buckets in an attempt to win prizes. Getting the ball into the last bucket would win you a big jackpot. I practiced for my trip to the local version of The Bozo Show with the arcade version at the 49^th Street Galleria at Franklin Mills. I'm pretty sure I already had the grand prize, a Nintendo, but no matter. It was playing–and winning, of course, as I had practiced–that was important. Bozo was regular 7 a.m. viewing for second graders at St. Martha’s, and I was sure my classmates would greet me with adulation when I came in to school the morning my episode aired. I did get picked for a game, a relay race where I had to hold a balloon between my legs. By the time my team got to me, we were hopelessly behind. My runner-up prize was not a Nintendo but a half-pint of ice cream from Friendly’s. My dreams were dashed. The Bozo Show remains my only foray into competitive television shows, but it’s not without trying. Last April, I tried out for Jeopardy! I didn't make it.

You Can Always Watch Phillies Games for the Commercials

The team might stink this year, but at least we’ll be entertained by ridiculous local ads.

Were you psyched for baseball this year? Were you still pumped once you learned that the Phillies are old and terrible, and all they do is bunt? Happy baseball season, everyone! Yes, we are only four games into the 2012 season. But what a pathetic four games it's been: After a 1-0 win in the opener, the Phillies blew leads to the Pirates in consecutive games, then were shellacked by the Marlins in the home opener on Monday. Longtime fans will remember this frustration, but for many this may be a brave new world of mediocrity. That doesn't mean you can't get loads of entertainment out of the local baseball nine. There are the commercials.

Philly: Fat, Unhealthy and Drunk

Is there anything we can do about it?

“Everybody has cancer in South Philly.” A guy said this to me on East Passyunk once, pointing to the cigarette butts that litter the avenue. (If you didn’t know, cigarettes cause cancer!) A lot of people smoke in Philly, 25 percent of the adult population. But smoking isn’t our only issue. According to a new report from County Health Rankings, Philadelphia ranks poorly in adult obesity, physical inactivity and excessive drinking. Philadelphia: We’re fat, we don’t work out and we get drunk all the time.

TouchTunes Jukeboxes are Ruining Bars

The soundtrack of every bar is slowly becoming the same.

My friends and I go to the same bar for happy hour, like we’re sitcom characters. Drained from the work week, my friends and I leave our offices and angrily stumble to Oscar’s Tavern every Friday. A few hours later, we happily stumble out, the woes of the week disappearing under the weight of whiskey shots, 23-ounce Yuengling Lagers and one-and-a-half cheesesteak specials. This has been going on for so long I’m not actually sure when we started doing this. I wrote that our Friday happy hour was “the usual” over two years ago, so it’s been a while. When you’re a regular at any place you fear change—the service gets worse, the bar changes its food or drops a staple beer. Sometimes your bar gets closed down. All bars open and all bars close. (Except for McGillin’s, which will be serving former frat boys until the end of time.) A little bit ago Oscar’s temporarily replaced its cocktail recipe placemats and replaced them with plain white ones. It wasn’t as terrifying as if our favorite waitress, Dee, left, but we didn’t know what to do. The placemats returned, and everything seemed to be back to normal. But then the jukebox was replaced with TouchTunes.

Tim Tebow’s a Bad Quarterback

And that’s exactly why the Eagles need him.

If the Eagles want a Dream Team II to rival last year’s Dream Team, they need to be all in on Tim Tebow. Last season, Tebow was the talk of the NFL. After sitting on the bench as a rookie, Tebow got a chance to start and took the Broncos to the playoffs with a series of improbable comebacks, then threw a touchdown pass in overtime to beat the Pittsburgh Steelers in the playoffs. Because of variety of factors–good looks, impeccable college pedigree, his Christianity and charity work–Tim Tebow became the one sports star who non-sports fans got interested in. The Broncos had a chance to upgrade, though, and yesterday they signed all-time great Peyton Manning, released by the Colts after missing last season with a neck injury. Tebow is now on the trading block.