My Wedding Gift to Mark and Priscilla Zuckerberg

It’s what you two newlyweds really need. (Hint: Not a blender.)

Mark Zuckerberg announced over the weekend that he and his longtime girlfriend, Priscilla Chan, had gotten married. He did so over Facebook. I wish them every happiness. It does seem a little bit ironic that the news broke just days after New York Times “wellness” columnist Tara Parker Pope pondered in print: “Does Facebook Turn People Into Narcissists?”, and in the same month that Stephen Marche wondered in the Atlantic: “Is Facebook Making Us Lonely?” Ironic because the answers are, well, yes, and yes.

The Only Thing Mitt Romney and I Have in Common

Hint: It has to do with scissors and hair and humiliation.

Such a strange feeling came over me last week when I read about Mitt Romney’s high-school escapade—you know, the one where he and his buddies at their fancy prep school ganged up on the new kid, held him down, and forcibly cut his hair? “He can’t look like that. That’s wrong. Just look at him!” one of Mitt’s old mates recalls him saying about the new kid, whose hair was bleached blond, a few days before he and his posse hunted him down and tackled him. As the friend describes it, the victim cried and screamed for help as Mitt “repeatedly clipped his hair with a pair of scissors.”

Catholic Church Has More Important Advice for Women

Stop being so damned picky and just tie the knot!

A few weeks back, I wrote about how the Catholic Church was cracking down on rabble-rousing nuns who despite Rome’s exhortations continue to care more about social justice issues like affordable health care than about cracking down on gay rights and abortions. This week, a priest in the Archdiocese of Melbourne, Australia, is telling females to get over themselves and get married to loser guys. Young hussies today, opined Father Tony Kerin, are “too choosy” in looking for a mate: “I think many are setting aside their aspirations for later, but by the time they get around to it, they’ve missed their chance.” In trying to have it all, Father Kerin cautioned, the breastified will “end up missing out.”

Falling Bear Is Suspended in Time (and Air) Forever in Our Hearts

Internet fame proved fleeting for one fine ursine friend

A week or so ago, Andy Duann, a kid at Colorado University-Boulder, snapped a photo of a tranquilized bear tumbling out of a tree. The bear had wandered onto campus (perhaps hoping to meet President Obama in a bar) and decided to climb the tree, and wildlife agents wanted it out of there before somebody offered it a beer, I guess. The bear fell onto soft, cushy mats thoughtfully provided by the athletic department, and it was reported that after his tumble, he was resting comfortably.

If You’re Really Against Gay Marriage, You Might Be Gay

Science says so.

Over the weekend, I was lucky enough to catch an NPR interview with Chris Colfer, the young (only 21!) actor who plays Kurt Hummel on the TV show Glee. He’s disgustingly talented and engaging; besides his TV role, he’s written and is starring in a new movie, Struck by Lightning, has a deal to write two books for young adults, and was one of Time magazine’s “100 Most Influential People” in 2011.

Guess Who the Vatican Is Picking on Now

Forget the pedophile priests. Uppity nuns are the Catholic Church’s issue du jour.

As if the Catholic Church didn’t have enough on its plate, it just announced that it’s appointing an archbishop to whip its wayward American religious sisters into line. That’s right! Instead of worrying about, say, which of its clergy are repeat pedophiliac abusers, or its latest money-laundering scandal, or the “Vatileaks” corruption kerfuffle, the Holy See sees fit to drill down on those rowdy, rambunctious women in black and white.

There Used to Be This Book Full of Word Definitions Called a Dictionary

Hopefully, Dick Clark knew the Titanic was real.

Earlier this week, the AP Stylebook—the Baedeker of arcane rules for the journalism industry—announced that it was caving to popular opinion and would no longer consider the use of “hopefully” to mean “It is hoped” substandard. In copy-editing terms, this is the equivalent of a pope’s death, or maybe even a moon landing. Oh, I know, I know; I hear you grumbling “Who the f*** cares?” I care. Ben Yagoda cares. Everyone who employs words for a living should care, but hardly anybody does. I emailed a link of the announcement of this horrifying news to other copy-editor-types I know, including a young woman who works here at Philly Mag. Not only did she not care; she didn’t understand that “hopefully” ever meant anything but “it is hoped.” The news wasn't just not news; it was incomprehensible to her. Sigh.

The Porch Improves Scene Around 30th Street Station

If you’re looking to take a stroll this weekend, head for 30th Street Station and the Porch public space that was created by the University City District last autumn. Thanks to the mild winter, it’s already become a hangout of choice for travelers as well as students and passersby. Along with funky, colorful café tables and chairs at which you can sit and savor a latte or iced tea from one of the eateries inside the station, the plaza has glorious views of the river and nearby historic buildings as well as first-class people-watching. And it’s all been built on...

Turns Out Violent Death Makes Humans Want to Shop

Buying is surviving.

You can muddle along in life without ever really wondering why watching Criminal Minds, CBS’s gruesome, nihilistic series on FBI profilers, makes you want to log onto your laptop and hit ADD TO CART for those really cute wedge sandals at Target. Or you can be like University of Rochester cultural psychologist Ilan Dar-Nimrod and conduct a study that proves viewing carnage on TV heightens the viewer’s materialistic cravings for advertised goods. Why, you may wonder, does death provoke buying? Because you don’t want to die, even though you know you’re going to, and buying those sandals lets you think about something other than the fact that one of these days, you absolutely, positively will—if only for a little while.